The Price of having Children

I overheard the Mummies in Balham yesterday talking about how expensive it is to have a child.  They ought to come and live here!  I reckon Mummy has saved money since having me.  Here's how.....

1.  Shopping.  Mum and dad never bought a thing until I was born.  When I did arrive, they were in such a state of shock, they didn't have time to go shopping.

2.  Clothes.  Mummy eventually bought a set of onesies  (grow bags she calls them) in a size 20 times too big and I stopped in them until I fitted them and they started to make my toes curl.

3.  Toys.  You know that story.  Dustpan and brush for me.

4.  Food.  Birdy Num Nums and whatever Mummy and Daddy are eating.  However Mummy did say that as soon as she started breast feeding, the food bill doubled.  Daddy says 'Nonsense. Mummy has always had an appetite.'

5.  Child care costs.  I have to put up with Mummy all day.  Mummy says that just being with me is payment enough.  Puke.  I bet she says something else to Daddy.

6.  Transport.  Oh Mummy had to cough up here.  She didn't intend to buy a pram as she bought a sling but then I got too heavy and she got the hump.  So one day when she was particularly grumpy she marched into Mothercare and demanded their cheapest pram.  She nearly fell off her high horse when they told her £279.00.  She asked if it came with an engine.  Anyway, she's had pram envy ever since. A day doesn't go by without her complaining how the handle isn't adjustable.  So far then - £279.00.  However, Mummy walks everywhere, and now that I am starting to stagger she is making me walk everywhere too......  I have got calves like Bradley Wiggins.

7.  Baby cosmetics.  Mummy doesn't bother with soap on me and definitely not shampoo.  She says it's Isle of Wight (Mummy has some strange rhyming slang). She does massage me with olive oil and sometimes uses coconut oil and tells me it is very high quality.  But the point is that if she weren't massaging me with it, she'd be cooking with it.  I just hope I don't get picked on at school.

8.  Books - yes you've got it.  The second hand book shop.

9.  Music - Daddy's sound tracks or Mummy singing :( Mummy sings really loudly and at play group during nursery rhymes, all the other Mummies turn to stare.

10.  I know Mummy says that the food bills may have doubled, but she has saved money on not buying clothes as she can't squeeze her chubbly belly into her normal size clothes anymore and now she is a Mummy she can't bring herself to buy any Mummy clothes and has become quite attached to her pregnancy trousers.

11. Since she went all worthy and hippy, she doesn't spend money any more on cosmetics for her and makes do with essential oils and a darker room.

12.  No huge restaurant bills. No more tasting menus for Mummy.  I can only bear to sit through a main course and a pudding and then I get achy buns and have to leave.

13.  No more fancy hair cuts at salons that offer you cocktails.  Mummy tried it once with me and had to leave half why through with only half a hair do.  Local mobile hair dresser for Mummy and I get to sit on the floor and make her off cuts into a small Yorkshire Terrier.

12.  And of course she has saved thousands since she stopped drinking and smoking and gallivanting round the city and haggling for a cab home at 4 in the morning.

So all in all - although she spent £279 on the pram that makes her life a misery.  I reckon she is quids in.  Kids are cheap. 


Your purse is chock full Mummy