The Dangers of Playgrounds

We go to a playground at least 4 times a week.

Me kept in the dark

Come rain or shine.  Mummy prefers it when it rains because it's empty.  That way we don't have any upsets about the swings.  Mummy refuses to queue.  She says she is 44 years old and she is not queuing for swings!!
She might be 44 years old but she keeps having accidents on the playground.  The first time was taking me down a slide so at least I was participating in that accident.  She went down so quickly and stopped so suddenly that she claimed her legs were foreshortened. 

The next accident was on a round-about.  The type you stand on and push round with your foot.  Mummy was trying to go faster than anyone else when she flew off and landed on her fatty bum bum.  I was in the sand pit at the time.
Then there is this gigantic telephone thing that you can speak into at one end of the park and listen to at the other end.  I had been chatting to her and then gone off when she started boring me.  Someone else's daddy went over to it and Mummy was still roaring like a lion and squeaking like a mouse.  He looked really embarrassed but not as embarrassed as Mummy when she realised I was standing next to her.
Last week, she fell off a swing in front of Nana.  Nana was pushing me on my swing and Mummy was next to me messing about.  She was trying to make the swing go over the bar when she shot forward and then tipped off in mid flight.  Nana thought it was the funniest thing ever.  Mummy didn't mention all the other accidents to her.
Then tonight, she got stuck up a climbing frame in the dark and daddy had to get her down.  Fortunately, it was so dark - no one else was about to see her.
Anyway, I don't need play grounds anymore.  I've moved on.  I've found cupboards..................

Things my grandparents let me do which Mummy doesn't know about

1.  Eat biscuits
2.  Squash tangerine into the carpet
3.  Listen to the same nursery rhyme 23 times
4.  Pull cats' tails
5.  Jump in puddles in my shoes
6.  Wee on the carpet

7.  Play on the laptop
8.  Have 3 dinners
9.  Draw on the wooden floor
10.Stay up all night

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.  Ogden Nash                 

The Times they are a Changin'

So much is happening.  So much going on.  I can run now, sort of jump and nearly hop.  Mummy can understand when I say 'bee' and 'pea'.  Her comprehension is coming on leaps and bounds. I also say 'giggle, giggle, giggle, bugger' quite a lot.  I can grunt when someone says 'pig', moo at the word cow and clip clop if anyone mentions a horse.    I nod to say yes and shake my head for a no.  Sometimes, I say no when I mean yes - just to keep Mummy on her toes.  Especially when she asks me if I want to poo.  I can read the paper.

 

I can sing.  I can do the actions to the songs.  I can do a little dance.  I can also recognise all my relations on a photo.  I keep pointing to my Nana and my Uncle Kenneth.  I think I might burst with all this knowledge.

I can make my own breakfast in the microwave.  I can turn the washing machine on.  I can press the button for the pedestrian crossing.  I try and pull the emergency handle on the tube.  I can turn every single light off and on and off and on without getting a nose bleed.  What else?  Oh yes.  I can play hide and seek with myself.

And I am fully prepared for Christmas.  Bring it on.........

 

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”

― Albert Einstein

The Stuff that Dreams are made of

Goats.  That's right.  GOATS.  I wouldn't have believed it either until I met one.  Wow.  Ace.  I got my head as close as possible and then she kissed me.  Mummy says she stinks but I think Mummy is just being horrid like she is about my cuddly toys.  I loved her and I think she was pretty keen on me.  I could have spent all day there but Mummy dragged me away. 

I had my lovely cousins staying with me at the weekend.  They were great.  They are from Norway and there is one about my age and we could speak to each other fluently.  No need for the No Funs to translate.  Amazing.  I always thought I spoke Swedish.      We had some fireworks on Saturday and Mummy made a face in a pumpkin.  It wasn't very good.  I don't think she made the holes big enough.  You couldn't see it.  She did say it was the first time she had done anything with a pumpkin other than eat it but she could have had a practise first.  Anyway, the fireworks were well cool.  Sunday morning, we saw a squirrel on the terrace and we all leapt from the breakfast table to see him.  He was eating Mummy's pumpkin.  The holes are big enough now.

We also went to the park together.  I spent most of my time trying to get a stick down the same hole as the last seven times we were there.  I didn't manage it.  I shall try again next time though.

Tonight Mummy has the hump.  We were sitting on the floor reading a book when Daddy came home from work.  I jumped up when I saw Daddy.  It was such a long time since I last saw him.  I was so pleased to see him.  I went to collect the book from Mummy and took it to Daddy so he could finish reading it to me.  Mummy was not well pleased.  I heard her voicing a complaint to Daddy later.  She's so touchy.

 

 

 

 

Cuddly Toys and the Best Gloves Ever

Mummy has a thing about cuddly toys.  She hates them.  I don't know what her problem is.  She really doesn't like them.  She pretends to be nice to them but sometimes I catch her doing rude things to them behind my back.  They are so nice and sweet and furry and she is mean to them. 
I have a dog and a sheep and a monkey and a doll called Peter and a teddy called Kevin.  Mummy keeps them in the furthest darkest coldest corner and I have to go and root them out everyday. 

Anyway, when I was at the library yesterday, I found the library bear.  It is the biggest bluest teddy bear in the world and I loved it.  Unfortunately, somebody else was hugging it and I tried to take it off them but Mummy made me give it back.  Their Mummy negotiated a share with my Mummy even though my Mummy was saying 'No, no, really he's fine.  He doesn't want to play with it' and I was jumping up and down and saying 'YESTH, YESTH, YESTH . So Mummy gave it back to me.  I was so pleased to see it, I started biting its ear.  Within seconds, Mummy had whipped it from me again and given it back to the girl.
 'That was a quick share' said her Mummy.

Anyway I have forgiven her as she bought me some new gloves today and they are simply fabuloso.

I love IKEA

I have been twice now and I have to tell you how much I love IKEA.  Mummy has been putting off going for weeks because she hates it so much but I can't understand why.  She runs it like a military regime.  She has us up at the crack of doom on Sunday mornings to get there before anyone else arrives and then whizzes us round at high speed to get to the check outs just as they open.  She got really annoyed this time because they had changed their layout and she couldn't use her short cut which meant that we had to follow the yellow brick road around the whole building.  She gets really bad tempered and it usually results in her having a big row with daddy.  Mummy says she reckons that IKEA has been cited in more divorce cases than extra marital affairs (whatever they are.  Daddy says he's never heard of them either).

Teddy Sven and Ulrika



Anyway, I had a ball.  IKEA is one of my most favourite places next to motorway service stations and my granddad's nursing home.  I can even understand the names of all the book cases and I get to fiddle with the toilets unlike at home.   I even pushed the trolley around for half the time and Mummy was still not pleased.
She did get to breastfeed me on a discounted deck chair in the warehouse though. There was a huge sign hanging over our heads which said '£185 reduced to £25' and people kept coming over to eye up the deal.  Lucky, lucky Mummy.  She was ever so popular.


 

"Don't threaten me with love, baby.

Let's just go walking in the rain".

 Billy Holiday

Wow.  Puddles.

"All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.”  

Friedrich Nietzsche