My Friends

Friends seem to be quite hard to come by.

Friends at playgroup

Mummy takes me to playgroup 3 times a week but there aren't many children my age or older.  Mummy does spend a lot of the time there huffing and puffing because it's too hot or too noisy and I don't think Mummy likes it very much even though she pretends she does.  I also catch her rolling her eyes and then being really silly because she's bored and singing in silly voices.  She also starts showing off if the other Mummies look at her.  Other than that, I love it there.  Most of them get to go to nursery instead of staying home with the No Fun as their Mums have to work.
Anyhow, I had just made friends with a lovely boy named Theo who I liked very much when his family had to move back to New Zealand.  This made me sad.   I do wonder if we will ever meet when we are grown up and if we will recognise one another.
I also have a great friend JR.   I used to hang out a lot with JR but her Mummy had to go back to work and she now gets to go to nursery most of the week so I only see her on Fridays.   We went out together this Friday and had a lovely game of flap the bed sheet.

The Price of having Children

I overheard the Mummies in Balham yesterday talking about how expensive it is to have a child.  They ought to come and live here!  I reckon Mummy has saved money since having me.  Here's how.....

1.  Shopping.  Mum and dad never bought a thing until I was born.  When I did arrive, they were in such a state of shock, they didn't have time to go shopping.

2.  Clothes.  Mummy eventually bought a set of onesies  (grow bags she calls them) in a size 20 times too big and I stopped in them until I fitted them and they started to make my toes curl.

3.  Toys.  You know that story.  Dustpan and brush for me.

4.  Food.  Birdy Num Nums and whatever Mummy and Daddy are eating.  However Mummy did say that as soon as she started breast feeding, the food bill doubled.  Daddy says 'Nonsense. Mummy has always had an appetite.'

5.  Child care costs.  I have to put up with Mummy all day.  Mummy says that just being with me is payment enough.  Puke.  I bet she says something else to Daddy.

6.  Transport.  Oh Mummy had to cough up here.  She didn't intend to buy a pram as she bought a sling but then I got too heavy and she got the hump.  So one day when she was particularly grumpy she marched into Mothercare and demanded their cheapest pram.  She nearly fell off her high horse when they told her £279.00.  She asked if it came with an engine.  Anyway, she's had pram envy ever since. A day doesn't go by without her complaining how the handle isn't adjustable.  So far then - £279.00.  However, Mummy walks everywhere, and now that I am starting to stagger she is making me walk everywhere too......  I have got calves like Bradley Wiggins.

7.  Baby cosmetics.  Mummy doesn't bother with soap on me and definitely not shampoo.  She says it's Isle of Wight (Mummy has some strange rhyming slang). She does massage me with olive oil and sometimes uses coconut oil and tells me it is very high quality.  But the point is that if she weren't massaging me with it, she'd be cooking with it.  I just hope I don't get picked on at school.

8.  Books - yes you've got it.  The second hand book shop.

9.  Music - Daddy's sound tracks or Mummy singing :( Mummy sings really loudly and at play group during nursery rhymes, all the other Mummies turn to stare.

10.  I know Mummy says that the food bills may have doubled, but she has saved money on not buying clothes as she can't squeeze her chubbly belly into her normal size clothes anymore and now she is a Mummy she can't bring herself to buy any Mummy clothes and has become quite attached to her pregnancy trousers.

11. Since she went all worthy and hippy, she doesn't spend money any more on cosmetics for her and makes do with essential oils and a darker room.

12.  No huge restaurant bills. No more tasting menus for Mummy.  I can only bear to sit through a main course and a pudding and then I get achy buns and have to leave.

13.  No more fancy hair cuts at salons that offer you cocktails.  Mummy tried it once with me and had to leave half why through with only half a hair do.  Local mobile hair dresser for Mummy and I get to sit on the floor and make her off cuts into a small Yorkshire Terrier.

12.  And of course she has saved thousands since she stopped drinking and smoking and gallivanting round the city and haggling for a cab home at 4 in the morning.

So all in all - although she spent £279 on the pram that makes her life a misery.  I reckon she is quids in.  Kids are cheap. 


Your purse is chock full Mummy

Sprechen Sie Baby?

I may have mentioned it before but Mummy isn't great on speaking Baby and so I have had to take up several alternative methods of communication. 
In the beginning, I tried to explain some really important phenomena to her.  All I got back were those damn raspberries.  I thought they meant something really meaningful so would blow them at her and instead of paying attention to what I was saying, Mummy would laugh at me.  Very annoying. 

You're not listening Mummy

The same thing happened with coughing.  I got into trouble for coughing because another small person was chatting to me in coughs and Mummy thought I was clowning about and imitating them.
I then spent ages perfecting my Elfdalian with a touch of Khoisan.  Disappointingly, this was of no use here as Mummy doesn't know any Swedes or Bushmen. So I have now added pointing.  My Great Uncle Joe showed me the finger.  He is always waving it about.  That is going fairly well but Mummy is always bringing me the wrong thing.  She can never see exactly what I am pointing at even though it is pretty damn obvious.
So I have added 'THAT' and when she gets warmer 'THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT' building up to a crescendo which usually gets her attention.  However, Mummy can never see when I am pointing at Birdy Num Nums.  They get in the way.  She thinks I am pointing at her and picks me up when I don't want her at all.  I want feeding. So I have added 'THIS' - specifically for Birdy Num Nums to prevent any further confusion.  When I am nursing, I stop from time to time, point at them and say 'THIS' and check she understands.
Now that we have cleared 'that' up, I have moved onto 'Yesthsh'.  Daddy says I sound like 'Sylvester' but he should try it with only 5 teeth.  I only say 'Yesthsh' though when I am answering the telephone, television remote control, a camera or this morning, a banana - or when I am really, really hungry.
Speaking of hunger, Mummy tried to fob me off with yet another meal of lentils this lunchtime and I spotted that she was eating garlic mushrooms on toast and I have just discovered that I loooooooooooooove mushrooms.  YESTHSH!!!!!!

Mummy says I sound like a hedgehog chewing a slug.  Lip Smaken Uncle Ivo.  Lip Smaken!

EASY PEASY QUICK LENTIL STEW 3 MEALS IN ONE

A really quick nutritious meal when you have nothing in the house to eat.  Mummy rehashes this and makes several different meals from the same one.  She thinks I don't know.  But I do.

Daddy said this photo didn't inspire him

1 Onion chopped
2 cloves garlic chopped
2 sticks of celery peeled and chopped
4 large carrots peeled and diced
200g green or red lentils
1 tin of tomatoes

I can't even give it away

Put lentils in a pan and cover with water (about 2 fingers higher than lentils - Mummy's fingers not mine) and bring to the boil.  Skim off that scummy scum scum.  Add all the rest of the ingredients EXCEPT  (sshh Mummy don't shout) the tomatoes and bring to boil then simmer for about half hour.  When lentils are tender, add the tomatoes and simmer for a further 10 mins.
Eat with spinach for a balanced meal or cover with mashed potato for vegetarian cottage pie or eat with wholemeal spaghetti for a vegetarian Bolognese sauce.  Let me know if you think of any other combinations to try and baffle me with....................................................................

QUICK AND EASY DRIBBLY FISH AND COURGETTE CURRY

This one makes me dribble.  I am a big fan of curry.  Mummy says that she is taking out the chilli from the recipes every since I pulled my face at a radish (which was particularly hot).  Anyhow, you can use any type of white fish.  Mummy uses Pollack.  (She uses this word a lot I have noticed).  If you don't over cook it, you can take out a piece of fish at the end and make sure there are no bones in it.  Mummy does this with her fingers so she can feel if there are any bones.  We usually have it with brown rice.

No coriander to be seen anywhere

1 Onion chopped
Big slosh of olive oil
6 cloves of garlic chopped
5cm grated ginger
11/2 tsp. cumin
1/2 tsp. turmeric
1/2 tsp. ground black pepper
1/2 tsp. paprika
Large handful of chopped coriander
1 Tin chopped tomatoes
3 medium courgettes diced
juice of half a lemon
350-500g of white fish fillet

Heat oil and drop in cumin until it starts to pop then add onion, garlic and ginger.  When lightly browned, add courgettes, and rest of dry spices.  Fry for 5 mins. then add tomatoes.  Cover and cook for 20 mins.  Add fish and cover and cook for a further 10 mins (or until fish is cooked)and add lemon juice.  Serve with coriander if you can remember.  Mummy forgot again. Yawn.

Look my spoon is too short

The best toy in the world

Mummy is rubbish at buying toys.  Mostly she buys things she likes.  She spent ages today looking at miniature plastic animals.  I thought that they were only good for chewing but she kept trying to persuade me to like them.  She was making a chicken and a lion kiss.  I had to howl to get her out of the shop.  I think she wanted to get a glass cabinet and to start collecting them. 
Anyway, she thinks I can make do with a colander and spoon.  Most mornings I spend with the brush that Nana bought.  Nana always buys brushes when she comes.  She has a thing for a 'soft long brush' whatever that maybe.  She also likes a soft cloth for cleaning.  Mummy once caused a scene when she discovered that Nana's dish cloth was a pair of old underpants.  I think it might be something they do up North.  (That's where Nana and Mummy are from.)  Mummy keeps trying to teach me Northern.  She has a horror that I will grow up speaking Southern. She makes me practise rounding my vowels.

Brush Baby

Anyway, thank goodness for all my aunties and uncles because I have a huge selection of toys but I have to say that Mummy surpassed them all today and bought me the best toy I have ever had.  She really surprised me as she didn't say anything about it and then I found it on the kitchen floor.  It's soft and furry and slightly bouncy and it plays peek-a-boo with me.
 I spent about half an hour with it this evening and I just couldn't put it down and walk away.  I keep having to go back and check that it's still there. 

It's fabulous.  Thank you Mummy.

Prams of Fire

I was out with Mummy today in the park and I suddenly had the urge to do my 'Prams of Fire' (as Tati Suzy calls it), gain my independence and push the pram.  I broke free from the No Funs and edged my way towards a pram and started pushing - quite successfully and at speed. I discovered that if I lent hard to the left I could make it do hand brake turns on the play ground.  Rubber was burning and I was making skid marks on the bouncy tarmac.
 Just as I started to gather an adoring crowd, Mummy No Fun came shouldering her way through.  Apparently it wasn't our pram.  And apparently there was a baby in it.

Pfffff